So much confusion in my head 21, 04, 09

Music:  Coldplay  Viva la Vida CD

Where do I start to unravel the confusion in my head?  What is the trouble inside my brain that causes this confusion?  Is it indeed histrionic personality disorder? Wiki link Or is it borderline personality disorder? wiki link Or is it bipolar disorder with a more manic component than depression?  Wiki link I don’t know.

I just know that people don’t stick around.  For whatever reason I have no friends from school save one dear long-time friend.  I have few other friends in my life that I see on a regular basis.  Why?  I’m friendly, open, interesting (I think!), and yet, something in my actions drives people away from me.

To me, there is something wrong.  Somehow desperately wrong.  I feel broken. I feel ashamed. I feel a desperate need to reach out to people. So much so that I’ve utterly annoyed a person so badly he’ll never speak to me again, quite likely.  I feel sad for no reason sometimes.  Just sad.  Loneliness, even when not being alone isn’t normal. Feeling like I’m missing something when I’ve got a husband who loves me, 2 beautiful girls who love me, a dog that loves me beyond imagination, and a cat that loves a cuddle, and yet …. I feel lonely?  Why?

Why do I take on peoples emotions as my own?  Why do I cry when I think of my friends dad dying suddenly?  As the psychologist said “it’s as though I lost my own father?” Why would I let a friend in WoW, whose husband is quite likely bipolar, and whom drinks to vast excess, and whom scares her, anger me when she tell me of this?  Why do I lie in bed and think of ways to tell him to fucking wake up and get help.  Why do I feel such impotent rage towards him, and yet powerless.  She’s asked me to not say anything to him.  And yet, I feel her pain, and her desire to just see him better.  She doesn’t want to be his babysitter. Thankfully I’ve restrained myself from a whisper that he’s fucked up and needs help.  That wouldn’t help her, much. Yeah, he may explode and hurt her, and therefore get help.  But I’ve betrayed her confidence, haven’t I?  So, no, can’t.

Why do I sometimes feel unsocial?  I seriously sometimes just feel its too much of an effort to go out and socialize.  That is bizarre, even to me.

Whatever trauma is in my head, I do hope it won’t be the end of me.  No, I just won’t let it.  I am going to write down in the next few days as much as I can of symptoms, thoughts, actions, and anything else to read off to the psychiatrist when I see her on Monday morning.  She’s going to be talked at for a while, believe me.

“Life is a bitch, but can be a wild ride at times, either good or bad”.

26, 02, 08

Some quotes from the Bible 25, 02, 08

I love this one

“Seeing they may see and not perceive

And hearing they may hear and not understand;

Lest they should turn.

and their sins be forgiven them.”

“For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds shall be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deed may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”

“Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.  But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

Ignored this blog for an entire year 11, 01, 08

Well, I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring this blog for an entire year didn’t I? Yeah, time to update it, I’d say. Surprisingly odd, but I sit here with another sprained ankle. First one since the last one in December 2006. Ha, that’s weird!

Thankfully I made up with my friend that I was on the outs with last time I wrote in this. I’m happy about that. Happy I didn’t write off a friendship. Happy he didn’t turn away and not listen to me. We have to remember that friends are like the most precious gems. Totally unique, irreplaceable and once lost, can’t easily be refound.

I feel happy, for the most part. Balanced in my emotions, and pleased that I can control them most of the time. Will try to remember to write more.

Pondering the year past 30, 12, 06

Well, as I sit and nurse the sprained ankle I got yesterday, I’m pondering the last year.  What I’ve done, learned, and discovered about myself.  How I’ve grown in some areas, and forgotten about others.  Including exercise, sadly.  Well, organized exercise I mean.  But I was thinking on failed friendships, and things said, in the heat of the moment of anger.  How, maybe somebody who takes their life just forgets that there are positives.  Maybe this does happen overwhelmingly, to them.  I’m thinking in particular of Paul Hester, the Crowded House, and Split Enz drummer who took his life.  Why?  Did it all just overwhelm him, you wonder?  Did he find it all too much to deal with?  Did he feel there was no one to turn to any more?  You can’t help but wonder how he felt.  I don’t feel like that, but I can empathize with someone who feels that low and that bad.  I’ve been there, and felt that, sadly.

But 2007 is going to be a good year, I know.  I have faith it will be.  Let’s hope I’m right.

Holiday CD’s 17, 12, 06

Do you ever find that you have way too many Holiday CD’s and never get a chance to listen to them all?  LOL, that’s my problem.  At last count I’ve got 16 different ones.  Harry Connick, Sarah McLachlan’s new one Wintersong, Celine Dion’s “These are Special Times”, and Jewel’s “A Holiday Collection” are all favourites.  But I’ve got Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas”, a “Celtic Christmas”, Rosie O’Donnell’s CD.  Etc. Etc.  Way too many.  Anyways, I’ve been making a holiday playlist and have shuffled it.  That’s fun to do.  Yes, I do prefer to have CD’s to rip onto my computer.  Not a big deal then.

Today was the Christmas pageant at my church.  The kids were so cute.  It was great to see them.  Sarah was a cute “Mary” holding the baby doll that was Jesus.  Victoria was a darling little angel, along with the others.  SOOOOO cute up at the front of the church.

Only 1 week left before Christmas.  YAY!

A passage from Philippians 2 16, 12, 06

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

If each of us could live to that standard we’d be doing all of the other people in our lives a great deal of good.  I guess this is what a Christian is supposed to do.  To strive to follow the word set down.  See, I’m still learning.  Not there yet.  But I’m getting there, and understanding more, and opening my heart more.

I forgive all of those who’ve hurt me, in some way.  In saying that I want to forget the pain, move past it, and heal.  It’s time.

Why wait for sex until after marriage? 16, 12, 06

Yeah, a SEX topic, for you.  It’s not gross, but just thoughts…

For those who’ve never had sex, here are my reasons why to wait.  Of course, YMMV, these are only my thoughts, of course.  Wait because it’s special.  It’s an incredible gift to lie there afterwards with this person you love, and say softly, “you’re my first, my only one, and I love you”.  I can just see myself saying that, if only I could have.  I won’t go into why I can’t.  But the emotion is so there, in the dream I have.  The upswelling of tears right there, at the brink, and the satisfaction right there, too.   Think about what it’s like for a guy.  He’s just said, in physical terms, “I’m a man, and I’ve shown that”.  For a woman, with the right set of emotions of love, and trust, and desire, she’s opened herself in the broadest sense a woman can.  You can’t be more open than that.

Yes, sex is so open these days with birth control, and easy access.  It’s portrayed as an easy attitude to it in the movies, and on television.  But in the bedroom, there is a trust there.  As you lie there, and your lips meet, there is a reaffirmation of the bond, beyond your comprehension, that continues when you make love to the same person year after year.  How does it not get boring?  Because it’s always good, if you work at it.  If you try fun things like new positions.  Yeah, there are a lot of variations, believe me….. LOL

But seriously, don’t believe the movies.  They aren’t real.  Think of a book turned into a movie.  How much more detail does the book have than the movie?  A lot, generally.  So much more of the back story is told in the book.  It’s like that with sex between two people who love each other.  There’s a history there that you draw on.  Every time you make love it’s just building on that.

So, a quickie, that’s meaningless has no history.  It’s got no real meaning to it.  That is why it’s empty calories, like junky fast-food meals.  It’s sex yes.  But satisfying?  Not at all.  Whereas making love, which I’m saying is a sub-set of sex, is a gourmet meal, with all the stops.  It can be a quick gourmet meal, or one with many courses.  But it satisfies that deep hunger inside you to feel filled up if you’re a woman.  Yes, as I said to my husband, it does fill me up, both literally, and figuratively.  He doesn’t understand that feeling at all, but then again I don’t completely understand the affirmation of his manhood every time, either.  But we can appreciate it.  Oh, how we can appreciate it *wink*

New species under the ice 12, 12, 06

Here is proof that I knew was true.  We don’t even know how many species are under the ice of the Antarctic.  Yeah, isn’t that the truth.  So many animals and plants, and species of things that we know nothing about, and don’t even know exist!  Think about how much of our blue planet is covered in water.  That’s about 80%.  Then extrapolate from there.  It’s mind boggling how much we DON’T know.  Here is an article from the Globe and Mail Canada.

In the dark ocean beneath the Antarctic ice, researchers have found scores of species they’ve never seen before, including strange jellyfish and other gelatinous organisms that thrive without light.

It is too early to say exactly how many new species were discovered in the Antarctic, many in the Weddell Sea, where ice crushed the ship of Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton in 1915.

The scientists saw more strange creatures than familiar ones, says Ron O’Dor, an expert in octopuses and squid from Halifax’s Dalhousie University and the chief scientist in charge of producing the first marine life census of the planet by 2010.

I hope that they find more good news despite the fact that 90% of species seem to have declined.  That’s a sad number to hear.

Personal growth 11, 12, 06

We’d all to think we’re capable and able to experience personal growth, wouldn’t we?  It’s hard however.  Sometimes we get sick, and fall into familiar habits, long worn.  But I’m honestly trying to say to myself, “Okay, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve asked for repentance, it’s been granted to me, and I’m cleansed.  Let’s get on with life”.  But the doubt is always still there, isn’t it?

I found a good set of principles here.  Answers to tough questions

Here’s an interesting thought:  Why do I need the Bible if I have a moral conscience and am kind to people?

The voice of conscience and sensitivity to the reactions of others are important elements of moral direction ( 1 Timothy 1:5 ). But personal consciences vary. One conscience permits almost anything, while another conscience generates devastating amounts of shame and guilt ( 1 Corinthians 8:7 ; Titus 1:15 ). Going by “how other people feel” also has limitations ( 1 Corinthians 4:3-5 ). The anger of other people doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ve done something wrong. A child who throws a tantrum or an adult who tries to get his way through emotional manipulation are using the same strategy. Paying too much attention to other people’s reactions is as likely to confuse us as it is to help us.

So while conscience and the reactions of other people are helpful, they are insufficient moral indicators. Relying on them to guide moral choices is like using our sense of touch to determine the extent of a child’s fever. When a child is sick, a more accurate measurement is in order. Our spiritual growth and the health of our soul are also worthy of a more accurate gauge than subjective human feelings.

The Bible offers to guide us through the subjective considerations of conscience and social opinion. Its appeal is cross-cultural. Its claims to authority are strongly supported by historical evidence. Its counsel has stood the test of time. It can be trusted.

All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, so that everyone who belongs to God may be proficient, equipped for every good work ( 2 Timothy 3:16-17  ).

Conscience and sensitivity both need biblical instruction.

Yes, something to think about for sure.  Interesting reading.