Toria’s Thoughts

To be without some of the things we want, is to live life to the fullest possible amount.

Where am I? 30, 04, 12

Filed under: Uncategorized — toriauru @ 1:04

I’m usually posting over on my bipolar blog here Bipolar and Asperger’s

So, follow me over there and have a read 🙂

 

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So much confusion in my head 21, 04, 09

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 3:29

Music:  Coldplay  Viva la Vida CD

Where do I start to unravel the confusion in my head?  What is the trouble inside my brain that causes this confusion?  Is it indeed histrionic personality disorder? Wiki link Or is it borderline personality disorder? wiki link Or is it bipolar disorder with a more manic component than depression?  Wiki link I don’t know.

I just know that people don’t stick around.  For whatever reason I have no friends from school save one dear long-time friend.  I have few other friends in my life that I see on a regular basis.  Why?  I’m friendly, open, interesting (I think!), and yet, something in my actions drives people away from me.

To me, there is something wrong.  Somehow desperately wrong.  I feel broken. I feel ashamed. I feel a desperate need to reach out to people. So much so that I’ve utterly annoyed a person so badly he’ll never speak to me again, quite likely.  I feel sad for no reason sometimes.  Just sad.  Loneliness, even when not being alone isn’t normal. Feeling like I’m missing something when I’ve got a husband who loves me, 2 beautiful girls who love me, a dog that loves me beyond imagination, and a cat that loves a cuddle, and yet …. I feel lonely?  Why?

Why do I take on peoples emotions as my own?  Why do I cry when I think of my friends dad dying suddenly?  As the psychologist said “it’s as though I lost my own father?” Why would I let a friend in WoW, whose husband is quite likely bipolar, and whom drinks to vast excess, and whom scares her, anger me when she tell me of this?  Why do I lie in bed and think of ways to tell him to fucking wake up and get help.  Why do I feel such impotent rage towards him, and yet powerless.  She’s asked me to not say anything to him.  And yet, I feel her pain, and her desire to just see him better.  She doesn’t want to be his babysitter. Thankfully I’ve restrained myself from a whisper that he’s fucked up and needs help.  That wouldn’t help her, much. Yeah, he may explode and hurt her, and therefore get help.  But I’ve betrayed her confidence, haven’t I?  So, no, can’t.

Why do I sometimes feel unsocial?  I seriously sometimes just feel its too much of an effort to go out and socialize.  That is bizarre, even to me.

Whatever trauma is in my head, I do hope it won’t be the end of me.  No, I just won’t let it.  I am going to write down in the next few days as much as I can of symptoms, thoughts, actions, and anything else to read off to the psychiatrist when I see her on Monday morning.  She’s going to be talked at for a while, believe me.

“Life is a bitch, but can be a wild ride at times, either good or bad”.

 

26, 02, 08

Filed under: Uncategorized — toriauru @ 4:57

Calm cat

 

Some quotes from the Bible 25, 02, 08

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 11:24
Tags: , ,

I love this one

“Seeing they may see and not perceive

And hearing they may hear and not understand;

Lest they should turn.

and their sins be forgiven them.”

“For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds shall be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deed may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”

“Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.  But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

 

Ignored this blog for an entire year 11, 01, 08

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 1:53
Tags: ,

Well, I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring this blog for an entire year didn’t I? Yeah, time to update it, I’d say. Surprisingly odd, but I sit here with another sprained ankle. First one since the last one in December 2006. Ha, that’s weird!

Thankfully I made up with my friend that I was on the outs with last time I wrote in this. I’m happy about that. Happy I didn’t write off a friendship. Happy he didn’t turn away and not listen to me. We have to remember that friends are like the most precious gems. Totally unique, irreplaceable and once lost, can’t easily be refound.

I feel happy, for the most part. Balanced in my emotions, and pleased that I can control them most of the time. Will try to remember to write more.

 

Pondering the year past 30, 12, 06

Filed under: Uncategorized — toriauru @ 4:18

Well, as I sit and nurse the sprained ankle I got yesterday, I’m pondering the last year.  What I’ve done, learned, and discovered about myself.  How I’ve grown in some areas, and forgotten about others.  Including exercise, sadly.  Well, organized exercise I mean.  But I was thinking on failed friendships, and things said, in the heat of the moment of anger.  How, maybe somebody who takes their life just forgets that there are positives.  Maybe this does happen overwhelmingly, to them.  I’m thinking in particular of Paul Hester, the Crowded House, and Split Enz drummer who took his life.  Why?  Did it all just overwhelm him, you wonder?  Did he find it all too much to deal with?  Did he feel there was no one to turn to any more?  You can’t help but wonder how he felt.  I don’t feel like that, but I can empathize with someone who feels that low and that bad.  I’ve been there, and felt that, sadly.

But 2007 is going to be a good year, I know.  I have faith it will be.  Let’s hope I’m right.

 

Holiday CD’s 17, 12, 06

Filed under: Uncategorized — toriauru @ 8:06

Do you ever find that you have way too many Holiday CD’s and never get a chance to listen to them all?  LOL, that’s my problem.  At last count I’ve got 16 different ones.  Harry Connick, Sarah McLachlan’s new one Wintersong, Celine Dion’s “These are Special Times”, and Jewel’s “A Holiday Collection” are all favourites.  But I’ve got Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas”, a “Celtic Christmas”, Rosie O’Donnell’s CD.  Etc. Etc.  Way too many.  Anyways, I’ve been making a holiday playlist and have shuffled it.  That’s fun to do.  Yes, I do prefer to have CD’s to rip onto my computer.  Not a big deal then.

Today was the Christmas pageant at my church.  The kids were so cute.  It was great to see them.  Sarah was a cute “Mary” holding the baby doll that was Jesus.  Victoria was a darling little angel, along with the others.  SOOOOO cute up at the front of the church.

Only 1 week left before Christmas.  YAY!