Toria’s Thoughts

To be without some of the things we want, is to live life to the fullest possible amount.

So much confusion in my head 21, 04, 09

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 3:29

Music:  Coldplay  Viva la Vida CD

Where do I start to unravel the confusion in my head?  What is the trouble inside my brain that causes this confusion?  Is it indeed histrionic personality disorder? Wiki link Or is it borderline personality disorder? wiki link Or is it bipolar disorder with a more manic component than depression?  Wiki link I don’t know.

I just know that people don’t stick around.  For whatever reason I have no friends from school save one dear long-time friend.  I have few other friends in my life that I see on a regular basis.  Why?  I’m friendly, open, interesting (I think!), and yet, something in my actions drives people away from me.

To me, there is something wrong.  Somehow desperately wrong.  I feel broken. I feel ashamed. I feel a desperate need to reach out to people. So much so that I’ve utterly annoyed a person so badly he’ll never speak to me again, quite likely.  I feel sad for no reason sometimes.  Just sad.  Loneliness, even when not being alone isn’t normal. Feeling like I’m missing something when I’ve got a husband who loves me, 2 beautiful girls who love me, a dog that loves me beyond imagination, and a cat that loves a cuddle, and yet …. I feel lonely?  Why?

Why do I take on peoples emotions as my own?  Why do I cry when I think of my friends dad dying suddenly?  As the psychologist said “it’s as though I lost my own father?” Why would I let a friend in WoW, whose husband is quite likely bipolar, and whom drinks to vast excess, and whom scares her, anger me when she tell me of this?  Why do I lie in bed and think of ways to tell him to fucking wake up and get help.  Why do I feel such impotent rage towards him, and yet powerless.  She’s asked me to not say anything to him.  And yet, I feel her pain, and her desire to just see him better.  She doesn’t want to be his babysitter. Thankfully I’ve restrained myself from a whisper that he’s fucked up and needs help.  That wouldn’t help her, much. Yeah, he may explode and hurt her, and therefore get help.  But I’ve betrayed her confidence, haven’t I?  So, no, can’t.

Why do I sometimes feel unsocial?  I seriously sometimes just feel its too much of an effort to go out and socialize.  That is bizarre, even to me.

Whatever trauma is in my head, I do hope it won’t be the end of me.  No, I just won’t let it.  I am going to write down in the next few days as much as I can of symptoms, thoughts, actions, and anything else to read off to the psychiatrist when I see her on Monday morning.  She’s going to be talked at for a while, believe me.

“Life is a bitch, but can be a wild ride at times, either good or bad”.

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