Toria’s Thoughts

To be without some of the things we want, is to live life to the fullest possible amount.

So much confusion in my head 21, 04, 09

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 3:29

Music:  Coldplay  Viva la Vida CD

Where do I start to unravel the confusion in my head?  What is the trouble inside my brain that causes this confusion?  Is it indeed histrionic personality disorder? Wiki link Or is it borderline personality disorder? wiki link Or is it bipolar disorder with a more manic component than depression?  Wiki link I don’t know.

I just know that people don’t stick around.  For whatever reason I have no friends from school save one dear long-time friend.  I have few other friends in my life that I see on a regular basis.  Why?  I’m friendly, open, interesting (I think!), and yet, something in my actions drives people away from me.

To me, there is something wrong.  Somehow desperately wrong.  I feel broken. I feel ashamed. I feel a desperate need to reach out to people. So much so that I’ve utterly annoyed a person so badly he’ll never speak to me again, quite likely.  I feel sad for no reason sometimes.  Just sad.  Loneliness, even when not being alone isn’t normal. Feeling like I’m missing something when I’ve got a husband who loves me, 2 beautiful girls who love me, a dog that loves me beyond imagination, and a cat that loves a cuddle, and yet …. I feel lonely?  Why?

Why do I take on peoples emotions as my own?  Why do I cry when I think of my friends dad dying suddenly?  As the psychologist said “it’s as though I lost my own father?” Why would I let a friend in WoW, whose husband is quite likely bipolar, and whom drinks to vast excess, and whom scares her, anger me when she tell me of this?  Why do I lie in bed and think of ways to tell him to fucking wake up and get help.  Why do I feel such impotent rage towards him, and yet powerless.  She’s asked me to not say anything to him.  And yet, I feel her pain, and her desire to just see him better.  She doesn’t want to be his babysitter. Thankfully I’ve restrained myself from a whisper that he’s fucked up and needs help.  That wouldn’t help her, much. Yeah, he may explode and hurt her, and therefore get help.  But I’ve betrayed her confidence, haven’t I?  So, no, can’t.

Why do I sometimes feel unsocial?  I seriously sometimes just feel its too much of an effort to go out and socialize.  That is bizarre, even to me.

Whatever trauma is in my head, I do hope it won’t be the end of me.  No, I just won’t let it.  I am going to write down in the next few days as much as I can of symptoms, thoughts, actions, and anything else to read off to the psychiatrist when I see her on Monday morning.  She’s going to be talked at for a while, believe me.

“Life is a bitch, but can be a wild ride at times, either good or bad”.


Some quotes from the Bible 25, 02, 08

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 11:24
Tags: , ,

I love this one

“Seeing they may see and not perceive

And hearing they may hear and not understand;

Lest they should turn.

and their sins be forgiven them.”

“For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds shall be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deed may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”

“Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.  But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”


Ignored this blog for an entire year 11, 01, 08

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 1:53
Tags: ,

Well, I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring this blog for an entire year didn’t I? Yeah, time to update it, I’d say. Surprisingly odd, but I sit here with another sprained ankle. First one since the last one in December 2006. Ha, that’s weird!

Thankfully I made up with my friend that I was on the outs with last time I wrote in this. I’m happy about that. Happy I didn’t write off a friendship. Happy he didn’t turn away and not listen to me. We have to remember that friends are like the most precious gems. Totally unique, irreplaceable and once lost, can’t easily be refound.

I feel happy, for the most part. Balanced in my emotions, and pleased that I can control them most of the time. Will try to remember to write more.


Personal growth 11, 12, 06

Filed under: Personal,Web Info — toriauru @ 1:11

We’d all to think we’re capable and able to experience personal growth, wouldn’t we?  It’s hard however.  Sometimes we get sick, and fall into familiar habits, long worn.  But I’m honestly trying to say to myself, “Okay, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve asked for repentance, it’s been granted to me, and I’m cleansed.  Let’s get on with life”.  But the doubt is always still there, isn’t it?

I found a good set of principles here.  Answers to tough questions

Here’s an interesting thought:  Why do I need the Bible if I have a moral conscience and am kind to people?

The voice of conscience and sensitivity to the reactions of others are important elements of moral direction ( 1 Timothy 1:5 ). But personal consciences vary. One conscience permits almost anything, while another conscience generates devastating amounts of shame and guilt ( 1 Corinthians 8:7 ; Titus 1:15 ). Going by “how other people feel” also has limitations ( 1 Corinthians 4:3-5 ). The anger of other people doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ve done something wrong. A child who throws a tantrum or an adult who tries to get his way through emotional manipulation are using the same strategy. Paying too much attention to other people’s reactions is as likely to confuse us as it is to help us.

So while conscience and the reactions of other people are helpful, they are insufficient moral indicators. Relying on them to guide moral choices is like using our sense of touch to determine the extent of a child’s fever. When a child is sick, a more accurate measurement is in order. Our spiritual growth and the health of our soul are also worthy of a more accurate gauge than subjective human feelings.

The Bible offers to guide us through the subjective considerations of conscience and social opinion. Its appeal is cross-cultural. Its claims to authority are strongly supported by historical evidence. Its counsel has stood the test of time. It can be trusted.

All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, so that everyone who belongs to God may be proficient, equipped for every good work ( 2 Timothy 3:16-17  ).

Conscience and sensitivity both need biblical instruction.

Yes, something to think about for sure.  Interesting reading.


Short bursts of exercise good for Blood pressure 04, 12, 06

Filed under: Personal,Uncategorized — toriauru @ 8:12

According to this website

short, 10 minute long walks 4 to 5 times per day may be better for lowing blood pressure than one 40 min walk. Interesting thought, isn’t it?

People who exercise to control blood pressure can do their workouts in small doses.

Indiana University researchers reported in September’s Journal of Hypertension that people in their study who took four 10-minute walks over several hours reduced their blood pressure for 10 to 11 hours, about three hours longer than did those who walked nonstop for 40 minutes.

“Not only can blood pressure be lowered by short bouts of exercise, it can also occur after low-intensity exercise,” says the University of Connecticut’s Linda Pescatello, an exercise physiologist whose own research has also shown that a 15-minute exertion can reduce blood pressure nearly as much as a 30-minute effort.

So, another study that I can’t find on the internet, but have read about in the Oprah magazine, that said that having a dog reduced the incidence of heart attacks in older women, may well be borne out by this research, as well. It tracked older women who had had heart attacks, and the half with dogs had much less incidence of heart attacks than the control group.

Makes getting out on a cold morning for a brisk 10 to 15 minute walk seem that much more sensible, doesn’t it?


About Adult Attention Deficit / Hyperactive Disorder 02, 12, 06

Filed under: Personal — toriauru @ 8:33

Yes, more and more they are saying we adults may well carry over the affects.  I’m positive that I’ve had AD / HD for my life time, and have passed it down in my genes to Sarah and Victoria.  This article

has a lot of interesting points to it.  I’ll just start by saying that I can recall clearly, at a private school, being told I wasn’t trying hard enough, and didn’t apply myself well enough.  I can remember on my report card the words “Debbie has let us down rather badly on more than a few occasions.  Now, to pinpoint some of the article.

AD/HD in adults can significantly affect their relationships with others, particularly a partner, family, friends and work colleagues. They may see the adult with AD/HD as unreliable, or become frustrated trying to understand or help. Research has found that the most common behaviours that have a negative impact on relations are:

  • doesn’t remember being told things
  • saying things without thinking
  • “zoning out” in conversations
  • problems dealing with frustration
  • trouble getting started on a task
  • underestimating time needed to complete a task
  • leaving a mess and being disorganized
  • forgetting special dates, meetings or always being late
  • not finishing a project.18

For both members of a relationship, it is important to recognize these behaviours. That’s why any education about AD/HD needs to include the family and friends. Several interventions or strategies are available to deal with these difficulties. For example, if saying something without thinking is a problem, the adult with AD/HD should try to be aware of how his or her verbal impulsivity can make other people feel uncomfortable. People with AD/HD often enjoy vigorous conversation as a source of stimulation. But they should understand that others may not share this enjoyment and know how to tone down the argument and move onto another topic.19

Similar strategies are available for the other problems. Working with a counsellor or using self-help techniques can help adults with AD/HD improve their relationships.

AD/HD with Work or Studies

If you have AD/HD but didn’t know it for a long time, you may have been misunderstood at work, at university or college. Your behaviour—whether you are restless, impulsive, disorganized or easily distracted—can be seen as being purposefully disruptive and unreliable. People with AD/HD may be seen to be unmotivated, lazy, self-centred or even slow learners. AD/HD may lead to a lifetime of underachievement, falling short of goals at work and complicating relationships with co-workers. Since AD/HD symptoms are usually not visible, co-workers may also have difficulty understanding and accepting the limitations they create.

A poor person–job match may also exist. Sometimes, a person needs to choose a place of employment or type of work that makes the best use of particular strong points and minimizes weaknesses. At times, success may be achieved with the help of the employer by disclosing your AD/HD in order to receive job accommodations. These must be tailored to meet the person’s specific needs. Some examples of accommodations in the workplace include extra clerical support, access to audio and video equipment, job restructuring, reassignment to a different position that better matches strengths, modified work schedules, computer with reader and voice-activated software, and filing systems that meet your needs.

I know that my husband says I never finish very much at home, in terms of “jobs”.  I’ve never been good at school or work, working under a deadline.  But when I do get a task done, I feel a great sense of accomplishment.

Hopefully, in continuing to educate myself about it, I’ll be able to help Sarah out.  Maybe.  Let’s hope for the best.

Listening to Neil Young and “Don’t Need More Lies”.  Yeah right, George.  We don’t.